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How Can I Get Through To You? Reconnecting men and women is a book written by Terrence Real who is one of the best-selling authors. Terrence has been a family therapist who has been in practice for more than 20 years and has a very good experience as a lecturer since he has lectured across the country where he has also given workshops concerning the same issue on family issues and matters. He was the founder of the Relational Empowerment Institute where most of his works was seen to be featured on the NBC daily nightly news.
Real in his book mainly speaks of the breakdowns of couples relationships as being a mirror to the gender conflict in the society. In the patriarchal culture, the boys are termed to be competitive while the girls on the other hand are termed to be compliant. It is then believed that when a woman and a man are joined together in a holy matrimony, they are bound together by marriage and it is just like the union of two species which are very different from each other. Relationships are very easy to start and very hard to maintain them. for one to be able to maintain his relationship with his or her partner, one has to be understanding, patient, tolerant, caring, and above all he/she has to have the capability to communicate. There are always ups and downs when it comes to relationships.
In this case, Real tried to explain the differences between men and women which he did so by recommending a radical course which was aimed at bringing back gender balance in the society. He termed it as “reconnecting the woman and empowering the man” which showed that very many couples were living in corrupted communication patterns which were responsible for the breakups of the couples.
The reason as to why many relationships are broken is that there is the absence of mutual understanding among the partners however, the partners were not forced into a relationship in the first place which shows that there was a mutual understanding at the initial stages of the relationship. Real tried to explain the causes of these breakages in the relationships which were once very strong and solid by trying to give advice to the couples so that they can be able to save their relationships by training the partners how to learn the other partner’s personality since the personality of an individual can tell much about the individual and through this, the partners can be able to understand each other and then live in a mutual understanding
Real in his book has tried to give advice to couples by drawing on literature, myth, film, and heartrending stories of the women and men of whom he treats so as to illustrate his analysis which is compelling. He reconstructs all the breaking taboos which are about love, passion, and marriage and in that he also shows that patriarchy’s love model is flawed impossibly by teaching all the partners to replace the love model with a love which is capable of acknowledging all the imperfections. With this, he provided 5 Core Relational Skills which were designed to assist each and every couple to be able to attain their full potentials which makes Real’s book to be a book which has been awaited by every couple because it has been innovative, eminently helpful, and very powerful in giving advice to couples.
Real has brought out the crisis which is a product due to the gender roles which are fast changing and they are very common in intimate relations where the crisis has been very severe since it is a crisis which has led to divorce rates of about 40%-50% for more than a generation. Our immediate culture often prepares us on how we can love and fall in love but it fails to address us by giving us the skills that are very essential and very important on how we can do so that we can be able to stay in love.
There has been the availability of traditional marriage counseling, but with it, the cases of divorce are still there and unchanged which shows that the traditional marriage counseling does not really hel a lot in the helping of couples to maintain their relationships. One of the reasons as to why many people think that divorce and separation are the only solutions to a failing relationship is that these people are not willing to tolerate each other and in so doing, it involves the will to forgive and forget and the forcussing of the future so aas to have a sense of understanding between the two partners.
This issue has been neglected for a very long time in our history and culture but Real in his book has brought up the issue by offering a new love vision and new practical tools on how to achieve the new love vision which can assist very many couples of today so that they can maintain their relationships. This can help very much in reducing the divorce rates which are increasing by each new year because it is very ironical to see a couple who have been married for more than 30 or 40 years ending up in a Court of Law for the reason of having a divorce.
The funny thing is that when you get the chance to question the couple, each party claims that they don’t know the other partner so the question remains to be “what happened to the love that they were sharing in the last 30 or 40 years that they have been married?” Many of the wives always claim that their husbands never ever listen to them when they try to say something, the husbands on the other hand complain about their wives missing out all the points that they try to put through to them. this has been a common problem because the partners end up in a blame game where each blames the other of the irritating habits and the refusal to change which has led to the many divorce cases that we are experiencing as a community.
The advice which is given in the book is consistent with the current theory and research in relational management. Real in his work, he has emphasized so much on the skills of having a healthy relation which he has presented in the background of the book. It gives a deeper understanding of each of the parties and where they come from because he is able to see all their gifts, he can be able to honor all their wounds, and also hold good and better visions as to where and what may be appropriate for them. Real seeks to empower the couple be acting as the orchestra whose main work is holding the sacred space so that there is the building up of a relationship which is more fulfilling.
The most powerful contribution which Real used in his book is his 5 key relational skills notion. These 5 key relational skills: how one can speak, how one can hold onto a relationship, how one can listen, how one can stay on course, and how one can be able to negotiate. With these notions, he claimed to have used them in his practice because he argued that the skills could be used in teaching and internalizing the both parties so that there could exist a mutual understanding which could help in the strengthening of the relationship.
My evaluation about the book is that it can help a person to be able to determine the type of person that one can love and also can help one to be able to pinpoint all the weak and strong areas of stress and how to deal with them. When people read the book, they are able to learn the entire signals that other people use in revealing their intended and true purposes which can help one in determining the truth from an individual who attempts to hide the truth from being known by covering it up.
Our personality can tell on us since it can determine the type of an individual one is and it is the personality which is responsible for all the acts that we do. This book has helped in molding people’s personality and personal traits so that one can satisfy the needs and desires of the other person so that there can be a mutual understanding between the two individuals. The main essence of the book: How Can I Get Through to You? Is that we should be able to understand what people they are by the use of the differences that we as individuals possess so that mutual understanding can prevail and also through this understanding, the mutual relationship can be deepened.
Real is considered to be an arbitrator of last resort to the couples by showing them how to be able to uncover all the hidden issues which are from their past and giving them a motivation and hope in mending up the broken relationships and also those who have separated permanently through divorce, the book helps them to recover and move on with their life by giving them the motivation to go on with life and leave the past behind which can make them think of getting into another relationship once more. In order to be able to learn your partner, you should be able to learn all the hidden traits and issues so that you can be able to come up with ways of handling that individual person.
In the last chapters of the book, Real points out the strategies which are linked to open communication between couples and partners. Open communication is very essential in any relationship which involves at least two people because without communication, it shows that there is no relationship. These chapters can enable many partners to be able to understand one another in a better way which is more productive.
Understanding one another in any relationship is very important and the main reason as to why many couples divorce is that they find themselves not understanding each other. Men and women are very different when it comes to the personality and roles which makes them behave like two species which are very different which makes it hard for the men to understand the women and the women to understand the men.
I believe that this book is meant for all the married couples, all the people who have broken up with the people that they loved be it a spouse or a partner, or even people who are also intending to get into relationships because it gives them a better advice on how to be able to communicate effectively, understand one another and how to make the relationship between the partners last for an eternity.
Sometimes, the love that is between men and women is very different in many perspectives. This explains why men in most situations always feel unappreciated by the women and bewildered because they are trained by the patriarchal culture to be more of competitive performers while the women on the other hand always feel resentful and they also have a feeling that they are unheard by their men. Real therefore offers conventional therapy which has helped in the reinforcing of the traditional male roles which are very different from the roles of the women which have failed. Real argued that intimacy demand in marriage is supposed to be approached with new skills.
It is very normal that some relationships will at some times reach a point where there will be sharp misunderstandings. Each and every relationship starts at a very high point where each partner is seriously in love and there is mutual understanding between the partners, but as time goes by, things may change for the worse which can lead to a breaking of a relationship. There is no one who is not willing to make his/her relationship not to work, that’s why very many people have tried therapies and counseling sessions so as to try and find out what really went on with their relationships and also to try and find out if there was a remedy that could still help in reconstructing the relationship if it is still not too late.
Real’s book is a solution to all of those problems because he can help couples and live in partners to make their relationship much more better in the future and also help out the people who are still not in any relationship but they would aspire to be in one on how to be able to deal with their partners when they get lucky enough to have one.